so the hdmi port on my monitor is loose or dying or whatever, oh well. thats life for you.

pop got to go home from the hospital tonight!!! he's got a pulmonologist he's planning to meet with now, and probably needs like oxygen at home and stuff. sucks. but i'm glad he's able to go home and that they all agree he's doing better than when he came in. he wasn't gasping between his words today at the least

audrey peed the couch, a sure sign she believes things are returning to normal fsdfasdf shes eating SOME of her medication, not all, but ... we'll get there. perseverance in the pee war is key.

i moved all the insulation rolls to the garage early cuz there was a chance of storms. one of those situations where you know that if you leave it out there to get ruined, it's 100% gonna rain. and if you move it, it wont rain. currently its thundering its ass off but not a drop has fallen. i tried to tempt it by putting the laundry out over the railing to dry, but no dice.

steam cleaned all the pokeyman plush that will be going to market and wiped them down to get all the dust and cat fur that lingers atop. the only ones who show a little wear and tear are the really, really, really old ones that have just tagged along since gen1 or whatever. i hope they find their way to new trainers.

felt kinda better-ish today, but not 100%. hearing my dad feel significantly better certainly didnt hurt. but i dont know, a lot of brushfire anxiety and a lot of nightmares still. and the monitor blacking out is really annoying. ugh i really shouldnt have taken saturday off streaming, its of Course income that woulda covered a replacement monitor blrag argagjf grr

well, i promised myself i'd work out so i really ought to. but also i just put on fivel goes west and its still a really gorgeous fuckin movie god damn those backgrounds purdy.

i read another webbed comic today, revenants. it's still seemingly early in the story, a very character driven mystery. but also in a very specific way extremely from the uk in a way only people who've never lived in american gun culture get about the like, horrible hell of american gun culture. it is very clearly not like pro get a gun and shoot a guy, but the fascination is i guess like being fascinated with both the machine's ability to do only one thing and the fear of that. because for all the gunshots flying around in revenants, i cant help but notice the creator cuts away from or keeps its distance from the bloody death every time. i like the character emma the best, the protag (until the latest arc) seemed to live with the superpower of not being traumatized by gun violence. i think america is unfortunately already full of people with this power & it leads them to make rash and dangerous choices. with guns. but given the latest arc, i feel like that was an intentional choice about the character. and i think it also reveals some anxiety about like 'what if when you did pull a trigger, you couldnt help yourself and just wanted to kill again like a switch flipped'

really my biggest question is why these kids all trust their cell boss. i aint seen no evidence he's right and doing anything but manipulating a bunch of traumatized young folk. but perhaps i am wrong.
there goes the monitor again. man this sounds like a chase scene with tiger the cat too wahhh

i should just ask on socmed if anyone wants to do a commission to get a new one gghhghdhfds

i really try to keep social medias off my phone bc it is total total cursed object brain poison. but the phone is an anxiety rectangle anyway innit

oh i hear a few raindrops!!

and tiger the cat is about to open a caboose and bump into a doggi. teehee

later taters

pop's still in the hospital, and i continue to feel very low at my inability to make things better ~in general~ if not in specific. even if i could drive the 11 hours by car, what would i do when i arrive? idk.

i keep mixing up pcos (poly cystic ovarian syndrome) with copd (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease) which is what my dad has. which isnt the first time, wont be the last time, and is very funny to doctors.

last night both me and alph just went to bed like two hours early. depression tired, for sure. the problem with depression exhaustion is that it doesnt matter how long i sleep, the problems aren't gone by the time i awaken. which is i think what the brain is trying to do. just fast forward through the stress. crumbs to that, i guess.

thet insulation for our attic crawlspace arrived today, now i just need a day it's not actually dangerously hot and also alph is home in order to start the insulation process. it's all very tightly wrapped in plastic but i'm secretly hoping if i leave it outside i'll tempt the weather into rain. we're very dry here. imo, brush fire risk. when i reach up and clutch the leaves of our lilac tree, they're so brittle they crumble in my palm like it was fall. just dried out completely. forest fires really frighten me, i used to have nightmares about them a lot as a child. so this ambient anxiety is also a factor in how i'm feeling. we already have an air quality alert until 11pm for high ozone at high elevations.

my monitor has been acting weird today. it's probably a mixture of the heat and it being the cheapest monitor at the micro center a few years ago. it keeps going all black regardless of if i'm jostling anything. then i have to wiggle the connective wire until it comes back. the monitor itself gets really warm so i'm thinking it may be a heat related issue. but so far so good today on the internet/phone staying up.

no cultures have grown from the samples they took from my dad so the thinking is... this is just what COPD looks like. random pnuemonia and bronchial infections that send him to the ER and require steroids and antibiotics via IV to fight off. i dont like it. it feels like it's the end of the road. i've been leaning a lot on ren (my cat) for support, because she's very attuned to my moods. but it also makes me think how my cat might outlive my parent only to die shortly after, and that sends my brain into a spiral too.

i know i've posted about it before, but this really is just more affirmation that venlafaxine doesnt do anything for my anxiety. ymmv, every brain is different. but for me it's not done a damn thing. recently they had me go up on it, taking a higher dose. no change. but come october i'll only have 3 more years on my cancer drug tamoxifen. then i can go back to ssris that work for me. but i really hate it. being anxious takes up so much energy and derails so much thinking, wasting so much time.

managed a few household chores today, in spite of unplanned depression naps. got some work done for the indie game project, but not nearly what i had hoped to be at by this date.

i kind of hate that my prediction that trump would declare martial law in DC first is coming true. i kind of hate how i see through all this shit and yet can do nothing about it but try to help others survive it.

speaking of my friend raile's car engine is destroying itself. please help him & his husband joe out if you have a few spare dollars. https://www.gofundme.com/f/car-engine-is-trashed-need-a-new-car


i know that in theory i should be able to change my scooter's battery on my own, but also, when i feel really low i lack any confidence in myself. so uh. it isnt happening yet. it is really sincerely hard to push past the urge to just go to sleep and hope not to wake up in the same reality. as full of weird shit as my nightmares are (like getting a glass smashed on my back and then cleaning up the shards?) i can walk around shirtless in them, and run a hand through my hair. so whatever those realities are, they're preferable. even if i'm haunted just as much there, in different ways.

what is a haunting if not a love story anyway?

i really do prefer the long form journaling for talking about things like emotion. i really do. there's such an unconcious pressure in microblogging to remain positive and bubbly and have a smiling outward face. it feels very much like you're working as a cashier. and i understand why? there's so much non-human negativity coming from all sides. news doesn't care to consider your emotions before posting, and so that smiling persona becomes a refuge. but it's false, and it takes a toll on the person who's got to keep up that facade. granted, being honest and open about my mental health ups and downs was what got Someone to start screaming at me to quit blogging all together... but i think they were wrong. i think they were selfish, and wanted a world where the only one with a right to talk about it was them. which they never did anyway. so, i remain pointlessly open about my brain trying to eat itself.

days til PCCC are closing in... i really gotta get these plush steam cleaned for rehoming.

ttyl.

i guess i should post before i fall back into depression sleep

pop didnt update in the morning like he said he would so i spent most of my day in an anxious rising panic worrying something had gone wrong at hte hospital overnight. thankfully the concern was needless but it threw my day way off. just total mess feelings from the moment i woke up.

stickers for PCCC have arrived, battery for scooter too. but the heat is so intense today that there's no chance of installing it right now. the heat is in fact so bad today it knocked out the phone and internet again. this has started to be a regular thing, whenever it passes 89 degrees outside theres a very good chance the telephone pole that acts as a t-mobile tower for us and sits atop a hill in the sun will suddenly stop being able to transmit. i'm pretty sure it just fully overheats. i really hope they figure out a perma fix.

the town arborist crew showed up earlier and took down one of the dead ash trees. not the one i thought strangely enough but whatever ok guys. they fed some of it into a chipper and left a lot of the trunk on the ground. i dont really care and dont think even if i was feeling mentally 100% i'd care either. enjoy your new house bugs and such.

started working on a few small paintings for pride, tried to stress paint some feelings. didnt get very far, cant be satisfied with my work when i'm in this headspace. curled up next to ren on the couch and slept a few hours.

i both want a frozen coffee and dont want one, at least now i can check my bank balance i guess.

audrey seems to think she lives in the dining room now that the guest room was used to trap her for medicating. honestly if this means she no longer pees down there, i will take it. just use the box child. just use the one of four boxes we keep clean and placed around the house for you.

very dehydrated but trying to fix it. motivation for anything else feels nonexistant. i hope my dad's doing well enough to be sent home soon, and i hope its a longer stretch between this and his next visit back to the hospital.

so last night shortly after i finished writing, around 9pm, my dad went back to the er with oxygen of 88 when admitted. NOT GREAT. hes stable now, but once again got diagnosed with pneumonia as well as something that's not yet identified thats not helping. and, like said, cpos. so when he starts coughing its really like blow out your lungs and wheeze style. and my stepmom was out of town visiting family aaaa

anyway hes stable, being held another night while they figure out wtf it is hes catching pnuemonia from. theyll test the house for molds and whatever... i have heard of SO many ppl recently getting real sick from mold spores in homes. but whatever it is they want to make sure they clear the pnuemonia and keep an eye on his other vitals and be sure hes gonna be ok for a few before letting him loose again. my poor old father, weh weh. i had a hard time sleeping last night.

talked to him early this morning, fell asleep after cat feeding. woke, washed, meds, worked... found audrey had not eaten. called pop walking to get a coffee. ttrpg called off cuz gm's resting from drs working on his own recurring health issue. fed kitties dinner, again audrey barely touches it,,,

ugh and i just remembered laundry. IM ALL OVER THE PLACE OK. and somehow still con...??? planning???? i have like a week and seven billion vintage pokemon plushies im planning to steam clean and then let go for like 5-15 bux. its fine itll be fine im fine i am under a normal amount of pressure

that is why my body was like no its 5pm and im ready to go to sleep again even tho i got up 4 hrs ago and 4 hrs before that and-

the four hours up four hours down is a sub optimal sleep cycle

anyway. wiley as she is, audrey clearly can tell when even her very favourite snack is drugged. so shes getting an inconsistant does of antianxiety medication, but she seems ...happier??? not to have her ears constantly gooped??? so i guess i'm just going to hope shes stealing from ren and luna and nto starving to death and not giving herself brain zaps. but also. shes not peed on anything lately. and does get SOME of that buspirone down. too soon to say really if its having a real effect.

you know i was thinking earlier how i always used to write as colour/favourite etc in spite of being american, and i think i realized i swapped over when i was working with special need american kids because i didnt want to stress them out and derail them if they saw me write it differently. maybe not the best? choice? but a linguistic choice of least confrontation. we must make thousands of these subconciously every time we interact with other people, huh. stressful to think about.

i find chewing cinnamon sticks is the most rewarding kinetic stim stress at-the-computer activity lately. especially if i get a real good stick with lots of resin inside it omnomnom crunch crunch

im spiteful of my sister and shes chiding my father for eating kfc for dinner like whatever the drs said its ok and its not like hes in there for arterial walls clogged with placque or whatever. its his lungs squeezing themselves inside out and filling with water. let the man have his chicken nuggets.

plan is afaik still to go to the rock mineral fossil geode etc show tomorrow in springfield ma, a yearly tradition. i hope my lil mp3 player can pair to the car, thatd be fun when we lose the boston stations.

spent some time putting stickers into my sticker book. now i think id like to spend some time on final fantasy. then wrestle with the spectre of death like you apparently do each night 2025 if your soul is still alive, regardless of age

oh. right. laundry.

life is not daijoubu. but maybe it will be again someday. thats the hope
so onward to tomorrow